Street Smarts!

Street Smarts is a John Mulaney bit where he relays the hilariously inappropriate safety tips given to his elementary school class by a jaded, Chicago homicide detective. It's also a semi-recurring bit on Reddit where people relay their various tips, some awful, others poetic, for staying safe on the streets.

It occurred to me that spouting those tips as aphorisms would make a great character quirk. Not quite the same depth as the jokes Raven McCoy learned from her vaudevillian grandfather, but something. Eventually I'd like to expand this into more fantastic realms like dealing with magicians, or the Dutch, or Dutch magicians. So feel free to nominate your own nuggets of wisdom. Contradictory bits of wisdom (like checking your pockets below or the 1,001 ways to win a fight) are welcome.

Until then, here's STREET SMARTS... for thieves, criminals and city dwellers.

• Keep your ears open, notice things. Footsteps, shuffling, metal clanging, anything. In the city always a reflection, in the woods always a sound. ... You don't wanna go in the desert.
• Don't talk if you don't need to. If you wait long enough in uncomfortable silence, people will feel the urge to talk and usually give up information.
• There are 146 street suffixes acknowledged by the U.S. Postal Service. Alphabetically, the first is "alley" and the last is "yard". These are also the worst places to go if you're being followed, because they only have one exit. 
• If someone bumps into you, or brushes against you? Check your pockets. 
• Sometimes pickpockets will send a guy to bump into people. Then the actual pickpockets can see where they check and go for that pocket.
• Stay away from stupid people. They'll get you in jail, hurt, or killed despite their best intentions or how friendly they are.
• You can get a lot of info about someone by looking at their shoes
• If it feels wrong, it is wrong.
• Walk confidently and with your head up. If you walk around like a victim you will eventually become a victim.
• Don't look happy. Look slightly pissed. If you have something to be happy about, that's something someone wants.
• Never break two laws at once. Got something in your car that's illegal? Better not be speeding or running red lights.
• If you live in a city and regularly walk past the same homeless people, stop and say hi once in a while. ... View the street as their home; when walking on the street, you're walking through their living room.  They can be excellent hosts.